So far, I believe most of my posts, of which there are not many, have started with an apology.
This one is no different.
Sorry for being such a terrible excuse for a blogger!
The trouble is that every time I put pen to paper – or, more accurately, fingers to keyboard – I find myself worrying: worrying about what to write, worrying about whether it will be interesting, worrying what people will think or say, worrying about whether or not people will support it.
It doesn’t matter how inspired I feel in any given moment, and nor does it matter how much I have to say, I cannot shake the anxiety that surrounds blog writing and I inevitably let my blogging slip away and bury my head in the sand again a mere post or two after surfacing.
I’m going to try not to let that happen this time. Really try. Because I adore story-telling, in all its forms.
Lately, too, I’ve been feeling guilt that I’m sure (or at least hope) is entirely imagined, because I worry that a small number of people in my life will either say my time could be better spent elsewhere, or they will assume this means I will have less time to give to them, or they will deliberately dampen my desire to get myself ‘out there’ simply because it is not something they would, could or want to do…or hear about.
“Don’t listen to them!” I hear you cry. “Your friends should know you better than that!”
And they do. I have some wonderful friends and family in my life, who support me with everything I do, and never doubt that I’ll still be there for them, still do everything we do together with as much energy and excitement as always.
But here’s the thing about me: I listen to everyone, even when I shouldn’t. The voices of the people who don’t know me all that well at all get into my head, and they add layer upon layer to my already considerable self-doubt until I rely solely on the validation and approval of others, the positive reinforcement. These days, being met with negativity or passive aggression makes me panic, faster than anything else.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I throw myself whole-heartedly into everything I do. I give my all, try my best, and try to see the good in people wherever I possibly can. I will give my energy to you in spades, if you want it, and my positive nature, my drive to succeed. I won’t commit to something unless I want to do it, a fact I always thought was fairly well-known. Still sometimes people question, guilt, wear me down, chip away at my self-worth; and I end up leaving my own hopes and dreams abandoned at the sidelines because I’m afraid that if I pursue them I will be doused in negativity from someone, somewhere. Because I figure they must be right and I must be wrong. And finding the strength to withstand that can be so hard.
I have enough time and passion to go around all the people I know and all the things that I do. I know it, as surely as I know my own name. And those who truly know me also know it…and I love them for it.
Throw in the fact that I have no shows to perform in at present – looking at you, Covid-19! – and it really does seem like the perfect time to get started. Again. And hopefully, this time, I won’t end up writing another blog post in two years’ time apologising for my lack of blog posts!
So we’ll see how we go, and then maybe a few of my other goals will follow suit…
I’ve said that before, I know, and I’ve not kept to it – why should this time be any different?
The truth is, I don’t know that it will be…but at least Approach With Caffeine has come back onto my radar, and I’ve taken the first baby step back towards giving it a shot.
Wish me luck!
Approach With Caffeine 